Bat Hero: The Animated Series
by GigaBob
Summary: Watch as knockoff character Bat Hero comes to life on the page! See as he struggles against threats, both common and fantastic! Realize that this is based on a joke that very few people will get!
1. Chapter 1

"Come on, we gotta do this quick!"

Five nondescript people, all dressed in concealing clothing, lurked in a dark alleyway. The leader of the merry little group, holding a brick pried from one of the city's many crumbling apartment buildings, directed the attention of his four hired goons to a nearby jewelery store.

"But boss," one of the goons complained, "what about the police? Or Batman?"

"Ha!" the lead goon laughed. "Batman's outta town to deal with some psycho in China! And the cops are dirtier than the streets. We'll just pay 'em off if they come."

With a mighty heave honed from years of high school football, the lead goon threw the brick through the store's window. The shrill alarm rung out into the night, waking up everyone in five city blocks. They figured that they had about a minute before anyone came to investigate, so they quickly and silently went to work.

Two minutes later, the goons ran back to the dark alley, their pockets overflowing with gold chains and rings set with precious gems. One of the goons - a metahuman, hired on because of her ability to teleport - prepared to whisk them back to their safehouse. Even with the fence's fee taken off, they had at least a hundred thousand dollars' worth of jewelry in their pockets. Not the biggest heist ever pulled off in the crime-ridden Gotham City, but still not too bad for common thugs.

"Oof!"

A loud whoosh. A huge dark figure fell on the metahuman goon, knocking her out cold. The figure stood up, using his cape to intimidate the thugs.

"Shit! I thought Batman was away!" the lead thug said.

"I'm not Batman!"

The figure stepped into the light. Despite his claim, he was indeed wearing a costume heavily reminiscent of Batman - though the familiar black-on-yellow logo was just a sticker plastered on his chest, and he had a black shower curtain, or perhaps a tablecloth, tied around his neck in place of cape.

"Justice is here to defeat you, evil-doers! I am Bat Hero, the greatest hero ever!"

The thugs simply stared at one another. The lead goon did seem to recall something about a Batman impersonator in the news, but he figured it was nothing to worry about.

"Okay... Bat Hero," the lead goon said, stifling back laughter, "how about we just give you a couple of rings, and you pretend you never saw us?"

"I cannot be bribed!" Bat Hero said. Now that he was in the light, the goons noticed that something was just... off about him. He had a strange, deer-in-headlights-like expression, and he wore some sort of plastic loop around his neck like a crude noose. "Now give up, or taste the power of Bat Hero!"

Another of the goons, the biggest and heaviest of them all, threw a punch at Bat Hero. To his surprise... the punch connected, knocking Bat Hero to the ground. "Holy shit, I didn't expect that to work!" the goon exclaimed.

"And now for the coo day grah!" the lead goon said, drawing a gun and shooting Bat Hero twice in each leg. "Sorry pal, but you have a lot of work before you can start calling yourself Batman."

"I'm Bat HERO!" he groaned as the goons fled into the night. "Oh, I'm such a fuckup! Urrrr hurrrr hurrrr huurrr..."

"Oy, did ya git your ass kicked again, Bat Hero?" a female voice asked.

"Yeah..." Bat Hero admitted. "They shot my legs! What am I supposed to do against guns?"

"Well, you could stop tryin' to fight crime." A tall woman stepped out of the alley. She was dressed in a plain tank top and miniskirt, but for some reason, she was covered head-to-toe in glitter. Her accent sounded like a terrible impression of a working-class Brit.

"Aww, that's no fun..." Bat Hero said. "It's my destiny to fight crime, Steffi! I can't deny my destiny!"

"You've got a congenital heart defect and arthritis! What'd ya expect would happen, ya wanker?" Steffi Love said. "But I'll tell ya what, I do know a way to become stronger..."

"I'll do it! I'll do anything to become stronger!" Bat Hero said.

"Good... good..." Steffi said. "Now strike me down wi' all o' ya hatred, and your fall to th' Dark Side'll be complete!"

"...what?"

"Nevermind!" Steffi hefted Bat Hero onto her shoulders, and the unlikely pair disappeared into the night.

* * *

"Are you sure this will work?" Bat Hero said. He was tied up and suspended over a vat of bubbling blue liquid.

"The formula is untested, but I am a genius!" Krang, a strange brain alien in a robotic man suit, said. "Thanks for bringing me a test subject, Steffi!"

"You bet!" Steffi chirped. "Always glad to help an old friend, I am!"

Krang pressed a big red button on a control panel in front of him. Bat Hero fidgeted as he was slowly lowered into the chemicals... but then Krang decided it was taking too long, and pressed another button that severed the rope and dropped Bat Hero right in.

"Now, if my theories are correct - and I know they are - Bat Hero should be invincible after taking a dunk in my very-own Chemical K!" Krang said. "Of course, he'll still be able to feel pain, but he won't die from anything short of complete protonic reversal."

"Wait..." Steffi said, her face brimming with sadistic glee. "So I'll be able to torture him... and he'll never die of it?"

"Yes," Krang said. "And he'll need constant doses of Chemical K to retain his invincibility, so he'll have to keep coming back to you."

"Oh Krang, you sure do know how to make a girl happy!"

Bat Hero climbed out of the vat and flopped down onto the metal floor of the Technodrome. "Ohh, I feel like I'm gonna die," he said.

"Just the opposite!" Krang said. "You're now immortal, but you'll still feel pain, and-"

"You're my slave now!" Steffi said, kicking Bat Hero in the kidney. "And if you don't do what I say, you lose your immortality!"

"Oh, I knew there was a catch..." Bat Hero complained. "You're a kind and respectful slave driver, right?"

Steffi laughed, and ripped off her clothes to reveal a full set of glittery black-leather dominatrix gear underneath. "That's MISS STEFFI to you, slave!" She whipped him in the back with the whip she pulled out of hammerspace. Bat Hero groaned in pain as Steffi cackled maniacally, while Krang looked on in amusement. He'd finally kicked Shredder out of the Technodrome, Bebop and Rocksteady had been captured by a local restaurant and turned into a dinner special, and now he had two more evil minions. It had been a good day.


	2. Chapter 2

Bat Hero, dressed in civilian clothing, walked up to the hotel secretary's desk. He'd spent hours working on his alter-ego, and he was quite pleased with the result: he was a mild-mannered millionare playboy who served as an Air Force pilot. As such, he was dressed in a fedora, a Hawaiian shirt and a flight suit.

"Good day, sir," the secretary said. "Do you have a reservation with us?"

"Yep! I'm Not Bruce Wayne," Bat Hero said proudly. That name alone had taken three hours to come up with.

"Very good, Mr. Wayne." The secretary handed him a key. "Please enjoy your stay at Gotham International."

But of course, Bat Hero wasn't here just to have a nice night away from his abusive girlfriend. He'd heard from a trusted source that there was a huge mob deal going on in the Gotham International today, and he planned on breaking it up with his new-found invincibility. His getaway car was in front, just in case.

A short time later, Bat Hero stood in front of room 4 of floor 13, supposedly where the mob boss Leo Rigatoni was staying. There were no waiters or other guests hanging around. This was his chance. Bat Hero punched the door, putting a hole through it but breaking his hand in the process.

"OW! I broke my hand!" Bat Hero exclaimed redundantly.

"Er... can I help you?" An old man stared at Bat Hero through the hole he'd made in the door.

"No you can't, evil-doer!" Bat Hero reached through the hole in the door and grabbed the collar of the old man's shirt. "I know you're really Leo Rigatoni, the mob boss, and I, Bat Hero, am here to bust you!"

"Unhand me now, cur!" the old man said. "I don't know what you're talking about! Police! Help!"

Bat Hero unhanded the old man, and kicked the door open, breaking two of his toes. He leapt and tackled the old man. "If you're not Leo Rigatoni... then WHERE IS HE!?" He'd always wanted to use that line, ever since he saw it in Batman's movie.

"I don't know!" the old man said. "Get off me! You're gonna give me a heart attack!"

Bat Hero raised his hand to slug the old man in the face, but he found himself unable to move his arm. He looked up, and saw a robot with a man's face.

"Get off him, creep," Robert Cop declared in a robotic monotone. "You're making me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry."

"That's The Hulk!" Bat Hero protested. Robert Cop twisted Bat Hero's arm around, painfully snapping his funny bone and causing him to collapse to the ground.

"Are you alright?" Robert Cop asked the old man.

"I didn't expect anyone to blab... but I guess I'll have to deal with that later," Leo Rigatoni said. He got up, adjusted his tie, and shot Bat Hero in the head with the tommy gun hidden in his jacket. "For now, dispose of him."

Robert Cop picked up Bat Hero's limp body and slowly shambled away. "I'll be back," he quipped.

The sight of a cyborg with a dead man slung over his shoulder somehow didn't arouse any suspicion, as Robert Cop made it as far as the outside of the hotel. While looking for a place to dispose of Bat Hero's body, he noticed that the Batmobile had followed him into another of Gotham's ubiquitous back alleys.

"I hate Illinois Nazis," Robert Cop said. He drew his gun and fired at the Batmobile, but to his surprise, the vehicle dodged - by transforming into a crude-looking humanoid mecha.

"Batbot-Changer!" Bat Hero said. "I knew you'd save me!"

"You betcha, Bat Hero!" Batbot-Changer, a Transformer who had taken the Batmobile as his altmode, said. "Now then, let's deal with this bucket of bolts!"

"Transforming robots. I did not see this coming," Robert Cop admitted as he dropped Bat Hero. "But you see... I am not left handed."

Robert Cop shed his robotic skin, revealing that he was, in fact, a Pretender. And his true form was... Dinosaur Invincibility, a giant robotic T-Rex Transformer.

"I will give you infinite pleasure!" Dinosaur Invincibility roared as he engaged Batbot-Changer in fierce giant robot on giant robot action. Unfortunately, we're too low-budget to show that scene, so Bat Hero's newly-activated healing factor kicked in, fully healing his mortal wound, and he crawled away with the shadows of the two robots fighting in the background.

* * *

Some time later, Batbot-Changer met back up with Bat Hero. The former had taken Dinosaur Invincibility's head as a trophy and mounted it on his chest.

"Good job, Batbot-Changer!" Bat Hero said. "You're a vital part of our team!"

"...Did you even do anything?" Batbot-Changer asked.

"Well, I went back up to the hotel room, but Leo Rigatoni was long gone," Bat Hero said. "So... I guess I just got shot while you did all the work."

"Yeah, that figures." Batbot-Changer transformed back into his Batmobile mode and drove off. "I don't even know why I hang around with you."

Bat Hero sat on the curb, watching solemnly as his friend abandoning him. "...I'm so alone."


	3. Chapter 3

"Did I say you could wet yourself?" Steffi screamed as her whip tore the flesh off of Bat Hero's bare back.

"I'm sorry Steffi!" Bat Hero cried. "Please stop, I promise it won't happen again!"

"Awright, fine. It's getting boring torturing you anyways." Steffi threw her whip to the side and untied Bat Hero from his bondage harness. "I thought it'd be fun having an immortal slave, but it's just not the same when I don't leave any lasting marks."

"But you're an evil dominatrix. Couldn't you just go abduct someone else?" Bat Hero asked.

"I am NOT an EVIL DOMINATRIX!" Steffi screamed as she jabbed a knife through Bat Hero's eye. "I am an EVIL PERSON who HAPPENS to be a dominatrix! They are completely unrelated things!"

"I'm sorry! Forgive me Steffi!"

"...Fine. I 'aff to get ready for work anyways." Steffi removed the knife from Bat Hero's eye, which instantly healed. "Don't get into any wacky shenanigans while I'm out, or there'll be hell to pay."

Bat Hero whimpered as Steffi removed her glittery corset and stepped into her room. The pain from his latest 'private session' had already faded, as had the wounds themselves, but there was still a dull pain behind Bat Hero's left eye. As nice as it was that he healed from everything... well, it wasn't really nice at all when your roommate was Steffi Love. He sat down at the kitchen table and fixed himself a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

"Bye love." Steffi kissed him on the way out.

"Bye... Steffi," he said. He ate his sandwich in relative peace.

Just what had he gotten himself into?

Bat Hero picked up his phone and dialed one of his friends. "Hey, New Style Ninja Tortoise? You wanna go out for lunch?"

* * *

"What's going on, Bat Hero? You look terrible."

Bat Hero and his friend, New Style Ninja Tortoise (an anthropomorphic ninja turtle with an S on his belt and the word "Tortoise" tattooed on his chest) sat in a downtown Gotham restaurant, waiting for their order. NSNT came here all the time (the turtle soup was to die for), but it was Bat Hero's first time, and he felt the eyes of everyone else looking at them. Of course, a man dressed up as Batman and an anthropomorphic turtle were far from Gotham's strangest denizens, and they'd all learned to pretty much ignore all the weirdos.

"Well..." Bat Hero said. "I just haven't been sleeping well."

"Oh, that sucks," NSNT said. "You should get yourself one of those new memory foam matresses, I hear they work wonders."

"Yeah... Well, to be honest, it's more than that. But... well, it's embarrasing."

"Hey, don't worry man," NSNT said. "I'm your friend! Go ahead and tell me everything."

Bat Hero sighed. "My girlfriend... she's really into BDSM, and I'm really not, but I don't want to tell her that because she enjoys it so much, you know?"

"She's abusing you?" NSNT asked. "Because that's not cool, man. You can take that kinda stuff to the cops."

"But they probably wouldn't listen. I mean, I'm a man, we don't get abused, right?"

"No way, that's totally not right, dude. Yeah, there's a double standard on abuse, but just because you're a guy doesn't mean you're not being abused!"

Bat Hero sighed again. "Plus, the cops in Gotham... well, I might as well go to the mob if I want something dealt with."

"Hey, the cops get a bad rap, but there's some honest guys in there too. Like that Commissioner Gordon guy. I hear about him all the time. You should go to him."

"Yeah, I guess..."

"No, I'm serious dude!" NSNT said. "I mean, it's your thing to deal with, but I care about you as a friend, and I want you to be happy. That's all."

"...did you seriously try to shoehorn some sort of social message into this?" someone in the back of the restaurant muttered. "What's next, Captain Planet comes in to deliver an environmental message?"

"Hey, shut up!" NSNT got to his feet and drew what appeared to be a toy gun from his belt. "You'd better not talk to my friend like that, or else you'll feel my little pluckies ninja protects!"

The tall, pale man stood up from his table. His significant other, dressed in a red-and-black jester's outfit, reached over to him, but he silently shushed her. "Listen, buddy. I don't come here to listen to some overgrown reptile lecture his friend about domestic violence. I do, however, come here for the excellent turtle soup, and you look like a prime ingredient!"

"That's it!" NSNT fired his gun, which made a strange rattling sound and fired sparks at the man. This proved to be completely ineffectual, causing the man to laugh.

"Now, I know a good joke when I see one! And that... was terrible." The man squeezed the plastic flower on his lapel, squirting some sort of sickly green gas into NSNT's face. NSNT fell to the ground, coughing and hacking.

"Stop that!" Bat Hero got up and decked the man in the face, knocking him out cold. His girlfriend gasped in shock, but he decked her too. He helped NSNT off of his back.

"Thanks, man. Let's get out of here," NSNT said. The two got out of the restaurant just as the cops arrived to send the Joker back into custody.


	4. Chapter 4

Bat Hero waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were muggers in the back alley. He didn't see them, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Commissioner Gordon were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.

Bat Hero was a superhero for fourteen days. When he was young he watched Batman and he said to dad "I want to fight crime daddy."

Dad said "No! You will BE KILL BY MUGGERS"

There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the back alley of Gotham he knew there were muggers.

"This is Steffi" the radio crackered. "You must fight the muggers!"

So Bat Hero gotted his shotgun and blew up the wall.

"HE GOING TO KILL US" said the muggers

"I will shoot at him" said Soundrecorder and he fired the rocket missiles. Bat Hero shotgunned at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.

"No! I must fight the crime" he shouted

The radio said "No, Bat Hero. You are the crime"

And then Bat Hero was a mugger.

_(all credits go to Peter Chimaera)_


	5. Chapter 5

Bat Hero, again in his civilian identity of Not Bruce Wayne, was conspicuously reading a newspaper in a local coffee shop. Though he only went out and fought crime at night, he was always on the lookout for tips on big plans and the like. This left him precious little time for anything else, but it was a necessary sacrifice - besides, he didn't really have any friends besides Batbot-Changer and New Style Ninja Tortoise, and home life was... well, it wasn't pleasant.

"How goes the plan?" someone whispered. Bat Hero's keen sense of hearing picked up on every sound in the coffee shop, though it helped that the person doing the whispering was sitting right behind him.

"My body is ready," another person said.

"Good. We'll meet in Dark Sector when the wind blows."

"Sweet. We're gonna make history."

"Yeah." The two men got up and left the shop. Bat Hero set down his newspaper and stealthily followed the men, but they disappeared into the crowd.

* * *

"I've finally hit something big!" Bat Hero said. He was back in his apartment.

"Oh yeah? What's that?" Steffi asked. She was busy flogging a blue man in tights in the other room.

"I overheard two guys saying they were gonna change the world today. And they were using some sorta code. I know it's big, and I'm gonna stop it!"

"You think ya can take it alone?" Steffi said in between her latest victim's agnoized cries.

"Hmm... maybe I should call in some help." Bat Hero might've been oblivious to everything else, but even he realized that he didn't have the greatest track record at fighting crime. Fortunately, he'd made several superpowered friends during his weeks of crime-fighting... He picked up his phone and dialed the top-secret number of a local super-team.

"What is it?" asked Jill Valentine, formerly of STARS and now a member of the Turbo Galaxy Rangers.

"Blue Ranger!" Bat Hero said. "Listen, I've got a big case, and I think I might-"

"Bat Hero? Is that you again?" Jill said. "I thought I told you to stop calling this number. It's for emergencies only!"

"But I'm serious this time! Come on Jill, I know I've exaggerated in the past, but-"

"Goodbye, Bat Hero. If you call again, we're going to get a restraining order on you." Jill hung up.

"Urrrr hurrr hurrrr hurrrr..." Bat Hero cried.

"Aww, what's the matter love?" Steffi rested a bloody hand on Bat Hero's shoulder.

"The Turbo Galaxy Rangers hate me! I know I screwed up before, but I was serious this time, and, and-"

"Don't you have other friends?" Steffi suggested. "Like that Transformer guy, or the Prodigy Pets?"

"They're out of town," Bat Hero said, "and New Style Ninja Tortoise is busy too! And the 'real' heroes never show up either! I'm worthless!"

"Hey!" Steffi snapped. "Only I'M allowed to call you worthless, Bat Hero! Now you pick yourself up and go find those criminals on your own!"

"Yes ma'am!" Bat Hero said. He got up, put on his costume, and dashed out of the door.

"Thank God," Steffi sighed. "Now then, Mr. Planet, we have some unfinished business..."

Using his keen detective mind, Bat Hero had figured out that those two men were planning on meeting on the Gotham docks at midnight. Sure enough, as Bat Hero swooped through the air with his grappling hook, he oversaw a bunch of men standing in a circle around a weird-looking machine. They were all dressed in almost monastic robes, and they appeared to be chanting some sort of ritual or spell over it.

"This looks bad..." Bat Hero said. "I don't know what I'm up against..."

"Bruce, is that you?"

Bat Hero looked over to see a woman dressed in a black catsuit.

"Oh!" Bat Hero exclaimed. "Ms. Catwoman! I'm your biggest fan! Could you sign an autograph?"

Of course, Bat Hero's excited yelp had alerted the men below.

Catwoman sighed. "Listen, I don't know who you are, but we've gotta take care of those men."

"Yes ma'am!"

Both Catwoman and Bat Hero descended to the ground. The monks drew steampunk cattle prods and charged at the two. Catwoman deftly dodged around, taking out the monks with swift kicks, while Bat Hero's regenerative abilities allowed him to tank through the electric shocks, while his reinforced gloved knocked the rest of them out cold.

"So who are you?" Catwoman asked as she dusted her hands off. "You're definitely not Bruce... wait, are you that impostor they've been talking about?"

"I'm Bat Hero!" Bat Hero said, extending his hand out for a handshake. Catwoman declined to take it. "Well, I heard that Batman was away for a trip, so I figured I'd step up and help keep order in Gotham while he was gone!"

"Well... he's not exactly on a trip," she said. "And there's plenty of superheroes in Gotham. Really, it's appreciated, but we really don't need an amateur getting themselves killed because they want to be Batman."

"Oh..." Bat Hero looked dejected, but his sorrow was interrupted by a massive crash. They looked out to the river and saw a huge monster rise from the depths.

"...On second thought, I might need some help fighting that," Catwoman said. "Got any ideas?"

Before Bat Hero could suggest anything, a bunch of cars rode up. The drivers stepped out, and the cars subsequently combined into a giant robot.

"We're the Turbo Galaxy Rangers!" they declared in unison.

"Look sir! A monster!" Davin Felth, the White Ranger, declared while pointing at the shambling monstrosity making its way to the shore.

"Thanks for that," Raphael the Red Ranger said. "Don't worry, we'll- wait, Bat Hero!?"

"I helped!" Bat Hero said proudly.

"Knowing you, you probably summoned it in the first place," Jill the Blue Ranger said. "Come on, team, let's stop this thing and go back to sleep."

The Rangers teleported into the Megazord as the giant monster stepped onto the docks. It appeared to be vaguely crocodillian, though with huge, feathery wings and three eyes. The Megazord promptly attacked it, and the creature fought back by gnawing on its leg.

Bat Hero, wanting to finally prove himself, shot his grappling hook at the creature's eye. It roared in pain as he pulled himself onto the creature's head. "I've got a shotgun!" he said as he pulled out a shotgun and shot out its other two eyes.

The creature thrashed about in agony, nearly destroying the docks. Fortunately, this gave the Megazord the opening it needed, allowing it to crush the creature's neck between its metal thighs.

"You... fool..." one of the monks muttered. "It was completely harmless... it would've provided the cure for cancer..."

"Oh..." the Rangers said. "Well... bye." They teleported away.

"I did it!" Bat Hero cheered. "I finally did a good thing!" He was so absorbed in his victory that he failed to notice the corpse of the giant monster falling directly on him.

* * *

Steffi threw the corpse of the monster back into the river. Unfortunately, its razor-sharp scales had cut Bat Hero into nearly twenty pieces, beyond the point that he could regenerate.

"...Steffi?" Bat Hero muttered weakly. "Is that you?"

"It is," Steffi said. "You got some nerve, tryin' to die without my say-so!" She picked up the pieces of his body and threw them in a wheelbarrow.

"I... I tried to do something good. But I failed..."

"Don't worry, love. You'll get it right eventually."

The two of them walked into the sunrise.

"...Thanks, Steffi."

"Oh, don't thank me. I've just realized just how much you can live through. Now I won't be holdin' back during our private sessions."

"Nooo... Urrrr hurrrr hurrrr hurrrrr..."


End file.
